All my adult life I have wondered whether I might be bisexual. I'm married to a wonderful man and we are raising our children together. It has bothered me though, that question of my sexuality and whether I am being true to myself. I find both men and women attractive and if this is part of who I am, should I not embrace it?
A few years ago I felt the need to validate my feelings about women. Feeling brave and wanting an adventure, I decided to look at the classified ads in the local paper. Eventually and to my delight I found just what I was looking for. She described herself as "seeking a female partner for fun and discovery", as well as mentioning that she had a husband and family.
The conversations by telephone flowed, we laughed and chatted like we had known each other forever. Our first meeting was at a shopping mall where we browsed the stores, had lunch and were, I suppose, grooming each other for what was to come. The plan was to meet the following week at my house and see what happened. I was nervous but knew that this was a necessary part of my life experience and was ready to embrace it. I told my husband all about my plan and he was extremely supportive. He's an open-minded man who knows me so well. He understood my need to answer this question that had haunted me for so long. I guess he was quite excited by the whole idea too!
It seemed like I had made quite an impression on her. She called the following day asking whether we could bring our meeting forward. She was free later that day and was I ready? Without giving myself time to back out, I agreed. On impulse, I rushed out to buy some new lingerie.
She arrived with a bag of tricks that made me think that this was not her first encounter of this kind. After complimenting me on how I looked and making it clear that she found me attractive, we had a drink. Vodka in the middle of the day is unheard of for me but I needed it to give me courage. What happened next was pretty wild and, looking back, I almost can't believe it was me this happened to. She had brought her favorite porno movie to begin the proceedings and as we sat watching this I made the decision that I was going to make the first move. I reached for her hand and led her to the bedroom.
What happened in the next few hours was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Using toys that I had only ever seen in magazines or storefronts in Soho, we brought each other beyond the brink of pleasure. It seemed so natural and I became bold. During the whole encounter I definitely took on the more typically 'male' role. I was the instigator, making verbal requests and taking the lead. This was a surprise to me as I presumed that she, as the more experienced, would take the lead . After we were finished she came to cuddle me and I had, what I now think of, as quite a bizarre reaction.
She reached for me to hold her and I felt like recoiling from her embrace. She seemed needy and insecure. I was quite startled by my own reaction and tried to be as polite as I could yet wishing her out of the house and my life as quickly as possible.
The following day a bouquet of flowers arrived from her. For me, it was over and I never followed up on any of her calls or attempts to contact me. It wasn't that I felt any sense of guilt or shame about what had happened… she just wasn't my type. I find women attractive from time to time and would possibly take a friendship further if it were the right person.
Did my experience answer my question about my sexuality? In a way it did. It seems to me that bisexuality is part of a wide sexual spectrum. I fell in love with and married a man but I am attracted to both. I feel strongly that life is too short to deny a huge part of yourself but I do realize how fortunate I am that my husband accepts this part of me too.