We are free falling and as we do, neither of us seems able to stop. Our relationship may or may not have come to its end but we are not ready to call it quits. He is locked in his world and I in mine. We play a game of hide-and-go-seek in our house or behind our phones. We communicate quickly and intimately with everyone but each other.
And so, what at first was an innocent distraction from my marital disappointment became a need, a compulsion. To begin with it was an occasional splurge but now it has gotten out of control. I shop, I return, I shop on-line, I send it back, I shop and I keep, I shop and I hide my purchases. Most women have probably treated themselves and not shared this with their husband right away but brought the new dress out at some future date referring to it as 'this old thing' or 'had it for years you just haven’t noticed'.
The new shoes, dresses, bags and more give me instant satisfaction and I now crave it. I have a closet full of wonderful designer outfits, jewelry untouched and yet I need more. The guy at the Shipping Company smiles as I make my weekly returns. Maybe I am doing this to be noticed by my husband for whose attention I feel it harder and harder to get. I work hard and can totally justify my shopping and yet deep down I know that there are darker reasons why I am doing this and it makes me feel desperately sad. This can't continue, for one thing the bank balance will give me away. Although I am becoming clever, I get cash back from supermarket trips which avoids revealing credit card bills.
We all have vices though, I tell myself. Many people have little secrets in order to survive. I'm fairly sure that my husband has his secrets too and that I don't want to know about all of them. After all, I am totally aware that there is a fine line between those little things that don't really matter and don't always need mentioning and the significant things that need to be addressed. What bothers me is what is at the root of this problem. That being, our lack of communication and our waning interest in each other. However, we are hanging in there, albeit by a thread. As we just about survive, my secret hovers over me and keeps me awake in the early hours.